Now that I am a parent myself, I completely understand how my mom felt when I was not on my best behavior (Sorry, Mom!). I would say that I was a strong-willed child. Don’t get me wrong, I was obedient, but I first needed to say my piece before ultimately listening to my parents’ instructions. My mom would jokingly chastise me over and over again by saying, “I hope you have a child just like you when you become a parent.” Well, Mom, God answered your prayers!
Although overwhelming, most would agree that the “baby” phase is one of the easiest. Then comes toddlerhood, where things start to get a little more difficult. These little humans that we were entrusted with are now mobile and starting to be able to vocalize their needs and wants.
Then comes young childhood, and this is where things start to get a little more dicey! That sweet, rambunctious toddler now has opinions, and they certainly start to make them known. These are innately healthy behaviors because we want our children to grow and have thoughts and ideas about the world around them.
It is important, though, that we teach our children to harness their strong-willed behaviors as they grow older, especially into their preteen and teenage years. Ultimately, we are raising them into adults who can function as productive members of society. Strong-willed behaviors that are challenging may ultimately help them as they navigate adulthood.
Below are seven tips for dealing with strong-willed behaviors in our children.
your strong-willed child needs you to get down to their level and make eye contact.
“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” Deuteronomy 6:6-7 (NKJV)
Imagine how intimidating it is for a small child to constantly have adults looming over them! Getting down to eye level with your child will ensure that you have their focus and attention. Making eye contact gives them your undivided attention during a tense moment. This will make your child feel important and heard.
This method is not only useful during a tense and frustrating moment. It can be used anytime you want your child to “really” hear what you are telling them. I’m guilty, like most of us, of taking the easy way out by yelling instructions at my children from across the room or sometimes in another room completely. This often results in an “In a minute” or “What did you say?”, which leads to more repeating.
Imagine how much more effective it is to simply walk up to your child and relay instructions face-to-face. Odds are the tasks you are asking them to complete would happen in a more timely manner. Once again, if your child is smaller, get down to their level and make eye contact, or if they are older, sit down and make eye contact when speaking. Your children want to feel respected and heard, just like you.
your strong-willed child needs you to remain calm.
“Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly”. Proverbs 14:29 (Niv)
It is very easy to lose your cool during a particularly challenging moment with your child. Believe me, we have all been there. The problem is that by not taking those few seconds to take a breath before responding, we are doing more harm than good. Our children do not hear us better when we yell; truthfully, they are probably not hearing us at all.
Although the ideal is to think before you speak and respond calmly to your child, this is not always the reality. We are humans who make mistakes. Just like God gives us grace when we mess up, not responding to us in anger, our children deserve the same.
The best thing to do when you feel that anger bubble up inside is to take a few breaths or remove yourself from the situation until you are calm. Then, when you can express yourself without anger, sit your child down and calmly resolve the situation.
Since we are not perfect and will mess up, we are given opportunities to model forgiveness and grace to our children. When anger gets the better of you, make sure to apologize and ask for forgiveness from your child, and vice versa. Yes, we are the disciplinary figures in the home, but it is okay to show your child that you make mistakes, too.
your strong-willed child needs consistent discipline.
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it”. Hebrews 12:11 (niv)
Finding and implementing a discipline method is personal to each family and each child. What works for one child may not work for another. Regardless, the key is to choose a method of discipline that is age-appropriate for your child, is warranted for the indiscretion, and then to be consistent with our follow-through.
For example, I know that I am guilty of saying I am going to take away my child’s favorite electronic device, only later to give in when they ask for it because I am busy doing something else. This does not reinforce consequences to our children. The only thing we are doing is teaching our children that our words are meaningless. I get it; disciplining is hard, but boundaries are so crucial for our children.
understand your strong-willed child's power struggles.
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation”. Romans 5:3-4 (nlt)
Power struggles occur when your child challenges your authority during a particular situation or instance, usually in the form of a tantrum or back-talk for older children. These can sometimes be very sticky situations, especially when they occur outside of the comfort of your own home! Ever been inside Target after you’ve told your child they can’t have that particular toy they wanted? Yes, it’s not a fun situation in the least!
So the question then becomes, how do we handle power struggles with our children? The first thing you can do is to implement routines for your children. Just knowing what comes next will help eliminate some of the stress your child feels. Now, this doesn’t have to be some long, drawn-out routine.
Having certain “checkpoints” throughout the day will help your child know what comes next. For example, we wake up, brush our teeth, get dressed, make our bed, and have breakfast. That’s a pretty typical morning routine. The same applies to a closing routine, such as eating dinner, playing for a little while or watching a show, cleaning up our toys, taking a bath, and getting ready for bed. Essentially, it is a simple, consistent routine that eliminates any of the guesswork.
Another way we can handle power struggles is by letting our children make certain choices, not just giving ultimatums. For example, giving your child a choice between a couple of outfits to wear that day or presenting a couple of different lunch options. This sense of independence and responsibility goes a long way with strong-willed children. They desire a level of autonomy and control over their lives, and we can provide that for our children within reason.
give your strong-willed child some independence, while setting firm boundaries.
“I will walk around freely because I sought out your guiding principles.” Psalm 119:45 (GW)
As previously mentioned, strong-willed children appreciate having some level of autonomy. One way to achieve this is to allow your child to have independence while still providing them with boundaries. For example, giving them options whenever possible. Not being presented with an ultimatum will allow your child to feel like they have some control over the situation while remaining within the boundaries of the choices you provided.
Also, resist the urge to be a “helicopter mom,” always hovering over your child, instead choosing to be a “lighthouse mom.” Being a lighthouse parent means that you are a reliable individual in their lives, they know you are there with love and support, but you allow them independence within clearly defined limits. This means allowing your child to fail and learn from their mistakes.
A strong-willed child needs clear expectations.
“children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land'”. Ephesians 6:1-3 (ESV)
Rules are a necessary part of life, from childhood into adulthood. Your child needs to understand that different levels of authority exist in the world we live in. First and foremost, they are under the authority of God, followed then by their parents and other authority figures. Rules are necessary to teach our children the difference between right and wrong.
When setting rules, it is important to make sure that they are age-appropriate. Make sure that they are clear and well-defined. For older children, consider allowing them input when it comes to family rules. For example, in our home, our children have a bedtime of nine in the evening. However, if they are not necessarily ready for bed, as long as they are in their rooms, they may choose to read until they are ready to turn in for the night. The rule is defined: they need to be ready for bed by nine, but there is some flexibility there in regards to when the lights go out.
Along with clear expectations, as mentioned previously, it is important to have consequences in place when the rules are not followed. Teaching your child that actions have consequences is one of the most loving things we can do as parents to prepare our children for adulthood. Being a bad cop is never fun, but it is necessary!
Teach your strong-willed child that everyone makes mistakes.
“A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. but if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance”. Proverbs 28:13 (TLB)
Finally, understand that your children will make mistakes, and that’s okay! Making mistakes is a lifelong battle that helps us to continually learn and grow. Making mistakes allows our children to learn problem-solving skills and how to handle feelings of disappointment. That maternal instinct to swoop in and solve our children’s problems can be very strong, but fight the urge because it will be better for your children in the long run.
When talking about making mistakes, the most beneficial thing we can do for our children is to allow them to make them and then teach them how to handle them. Mistakes are a part of life, but our reactions are what determine the long-term outcome of our actions. Teach your child how to apologize when necessary, get back up and try again, and finally, how to handle their feelings of disappointment and dejection when things do not go their way. These are the lessons that will stick and carry your child into adulthood.
Our strong-willed children will one day be great leaders in our world. They are primed with stubbornness and tenacity to handle problems, find solutions, and fix things that need fixing. They will be world leaders and world changers. They will be among those who stand firm in their convictions and fight for what is right. Yes, raising a strong-willed child can be challenging at times, but if we help them harness that resilience and perseverance, they will become the most amazing adults.
