I’ll be honest; I haven’t always been the best listener. It is still an area where I require a lot of grace and constant practice. However, I’ve learned that one of the biggest gifts I can give my spouse is to be an active listener in our marriage. By being an active listener, I am treating my husband with respect and giving him a safe space to express his feelings.
Safety is something that we all crave and desire–especially from the person who is supposed to be our closest ally on Earth. I believe being an active listener is crucial for a healthy and happy marriage. Below are seven strategies to help you better engage your partner and have true, meaningful conversations on a deeper level.
An active listener is in the moment.
Life is busy! There’s a constant list of to-do’s running through my brain at any given moment. I blame it on that Type A personality I’ve been blessed with! However, there is a time and place for everything.
When I am sitting down and having a conversation with my spouse, I make sure to be present and in the moment. This is a time to be cherished. We all talk about how we wish we had better communication with our spouses, but when those moments arise, we neglect them.
When you are having a conversation with your spouse, put everything else to the side: you’re to-do’s, the needs of your family, or whatever else might be on your mind. Those things can all wait. Right now, give your spouse the 100% you both deserve.
An active listener makes eye contact.
One of the easiest ways to show your spouse that you are present in a conversation is to give them eye contact. Resist the urge to look at your phone. Or, for that matter, stop whatever you are doing altogether. Eye contact is such a simple way to show that you are engaged and actively listening.
Eye contact shows that you are interested in what the other person is saying. You are signaling that you are focused on them and whatever information they are relaying. It adds a level of value to the speaker that encourages them to open up, which often results in more meaningful conversation.
Eye contact is especially important during an emotionally-charged conversation. Giving eye contact helps you convey your emotions while simultaneously showing empathy to your partner. They can see that emotion and empathy in your eyes, which allows them to feel safe in opening up about their feelings. Men especially tend to struggle with emotions, so try to always be that safe and understanding space for your husband.
an active listener isn't planning their response.
Oftentimes, especially if the conversation we are having with our spouse is of the more “heated” variety, we tend to let our mouths run ahead of us. I know that I have certainly been guilty of this in the past.
Our gut reaction is to put up our defenses and respond without thinking, which, of course, usually leads to an unnecessary escalation. Eventually, we are engaged in an argument that probably has nothing to do with the original topic at hand.
The truth is that when you are thinking about your response, you aren’t listening in the first place. That all-too-important advice of “listen before you speak” is crucial when it comes to communicating with your spouse. So much unnecessary marital strife would be avoided just by following that one simple practice.
An active listener is sensitive to non-verbal cues.
There is so much you are conveying to your spouse without even saying a word. Using and understanding body language is a key element in becoming an active listener.
For example, if you are slumped over, arms across your chest, and looking at the floor, what message are you giving your spouse? Probably one of disinterest and boredom. On the other hand, if you are sitting up, making eye contact, and have an open posture, you are showing your spouse that you are active and engaged in the conversation. Other ways you can be a more active listener through body language include nodding your head when appropriate and mirroring your spouse’s body language.
You can also get a lot of non-verbal clues from your spouse’s body language during conversation. For instance, If your spouse is smiling, making eye contact, and has an inviting posture, they are feeling good about the conversation. However, if your spouse has their arms crossed or is defensive in posture, it’s probably best to put that conversation aside for a later time. Learn to use visual cues and body language to your advantage to improve and create an effective conversation with your loved one.
An active listener engages with open-ended questions.
Usually, unless you are having a “soap box” moment, one-sided conversations aren’t fun for anybody involved. Show interest and be an active listener by asking open-ended questions. This will help keep the conversation flowing and lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations.
Open-ended questions help get to the root of your spouse’s feelings and needs, allowing them to build more trust in you by feeling heard and understood. Also, gentle probing with open-ended questions can give you greater insight into your spouse’s mind, helping you understand the reason behind their actions and behaviors.
We all want to know our significant other on a deeper level, so be curious and encourage your spouse with open-ended questions. This will lead to a closer bond and deeper friendship.
An active listener paraphrases for understanding & asks for clarification when necessary.
As a rule, interrupting is not the move. However, don’t be afraid to paraphrase or ask for clarification if you do not understand something. This shows your significant other that you are on the same page. At our core, we all just want to be heard and understood, so what better way to show that you are trying to understand their thoughts and feelings?
Asking for clarification can also avoid unnecessary conflict, as it is very easy to misunderstand, which can lead to hurt feelings. A lot can get lost in translation between thought and delivery. Instead of stewing over your spouse’s words, just ask them what they meant! Doing so will allow you to validate each other’s feelings and more quickly resolve conflict.
An active listener doesn't point the conversation back to them.
Practice being a more active listener by allowing your spouse to have their moment. Resist the urge to turn the conversation back to you. This can be hard and takes practice because we all want attention.
Meaningful conversation is a delicate balance of back and forth between two different individuals. When you constantly make conversation about yourself, your significant other will feel unappreciated. This can create distance between you and your spouse. It shows a lack of empathy and self-centeredness, which is not the message we are trying to convey to our loved ones.
These habits for being a more active listener will go a long way to restoring and building a deeper connection with your partner. Make time for your spouse and be a safe place for them to share their thoughts and feelings. Be engaged and interested in the person that you have chosen to spend your life with. Learning to both communicate your thoughts and listen effectively is a skill that will translate into all of your relationships. The effort is so worth all the benefits you will reap.
