Inescapably, at some point, you will face a rough patch in your marriage. Learning how to navigate conflict and emerge victorious on the other side is crucial for a happy and lasting relationship.
In a time when divorce is so prevalent, it can be tempting to throw in the towel when things get rough. Often, putting in the work to fix and heal your marriage may seem daunting. You might wonder, is it worth the effort? Is it too far gone? Can I forgive? The answer is yes; with some effort, you can. It may not be easy, and it will take time, but your marriage is so worth it.
At its core, marriage is the union of two very different and imperfect individuals. In Genesis 3:16 it says, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” This verse shows that there will be times of conflict, and you will certainly face power struggles with your partner.
However, Luke 1:37 also states, “For with God nothing is impossible.” There is peace and understanding on the other side of every situation. Below are seven steps you can take when working through a rough patch in your marriage and moving towards healing your relationship.
wallow in your feelings - but don't stay there too long.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make when dealing with a rough patch in your marriage is simply burying your feelings and emotions. This may provide temporary relief, but eventually, those feelings will resurface, often at the most unexpected times and places. Acknowledging your emotions, whatever they may be, is the first step toward addressing the situation at hand.
It’s important not to remain in a state of anger, despair, or darkness for too long. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve or process any hurt feelings. After that, make a conscious decision to distance yourself from that negative space so you can begin moving toward healing.
By pulling yourself out of negativity, you can clear your mind, focus on the problem at hand, and create a plan of action. This approach will help you process your emotions and take those first steps forward.
clean up your side of the street.
No matter what challenges you may be facing during a rough patch in your marriage, it’s essential to remember that there are always two sides to every story. The situation you find yourself in is a result of the actions of both partners, not just one. It’s easy to blame your significant other when things go wrong, but it’s crucial to first look inward and recognize your contributions to the issues at hand.
Right now, your focus should be on understanding how your actions have led you to this point. Consider which areas of your life need reflection and improvement. What aspects of yourself require healing and resolution?
Use this moment as an opportunity for soul-searching and personal growth. Remember that self-improvement is a lifelong journey. There is beauty in the fact that, with God’s grace, our lives are a continuous process of growth filled with second chances.
focus on your own self-care.
In times of trouble, it’s important to prioritize self-care. Focusing on your well-being can help you maintain a positive mental outlook despite your current situation. As the saying goes, “When you look good, you feel good.”
Engaging in good self-care can have a positive impact on your mood. Participate in activities that bring you joy—whatever that may be—as a way to help you manage the stress you may be experiencing. This will enable you to think more clearly and make decisions from a place of maturity and rationality.
Additionally, self-care doesn’t have to be extravagant or costly. I’m not suggesting you book a luxurious spa day. Instead, self-care can be as simple as taking a bath, trying out some new skincare products, or relaxing with a good book. These simple activities can provide you with a positive outlook and help shift your mindset, which is especially important during a rough patch in your marriage.
put hurt feelings aside & just have fun.
There is truth in the adage, “laughter is the best medicine.” Laughter and having fun can significantly contribute to healing and rebuilding connections. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to set aside hurt feelings and just enjoy time with your spouse.
Spending quality time together can help you remember the good times and the reasons you fell in love in the first place. Take the time to engage in activities you both enjoy. Whether it’s going to the movies, bowling, or cooking a meal together, find something that brings you joy. This shared experience can help soften your heart towards each other and allow you to rediscover the person you married.
In long-term marriages, it is easy to become complacent and forget how to “date” your spouse. We often think we know everything about our partner and stop trying to create new experiences together. However, this is far from the truth! As individuals, we are always growing, learning, and evolving. The goal should be to continually date your significant other. You might be surprised by what you continue to learn and discover about the person you married.
pray for your spouse & lean into your faith.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is to pray for them, both in good times and in bad. Honestly, it can be incredibly difficult to pray for your spouse in a moment when they are your least favorite person. However, this is when you should pray the hardest. Pray for understanding and wisdom regarding your situation. Ask God to heal your heart and your partner’s heart.
Prayer acts as a balm that helps soothe the fear, anxiety, and stress you may be feeling. Remember, Philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (NIV)
God is aware of your situation and knows what you are facing. All He wants is for you to humble yourself and turn to Him for help. When you feel alone and overwhelmed by despair, simply turn to the Word of God. We do not have to face a rough patch in our marriage on our own. God reminds us repeatedly in verses like Isaiah 41:10, John 14:27, Psalm 34:17, and so many others that He is always by our side.
find joy in the mundane & reflect on your blessings.
Even when the world feels upside down, there is always beauty to be found in the mundane. Our simple, day-to-day lives are filled with blessings that we often overlook, especially when stress weighs heavily on our hearts. It’s important to slow down and take a look around you. Remember all that you have and the blessings you’ve received in this life.
Avoid comparing your situation to that of others. You are in your current position for a reason. Nobody truly knows what happens behind closed doors, and in this age of social media, it’s easy to forget that what we see is often just a facade. It’s crucial to recognize that what appears to be real may not be the whole story.
Instead of playing the comparison game, focus on what you have. Regardless of whether your life is simple or lavish, we have all been blessed beyond measure. Be grateful for the health and well-being of your family. Appreciate that you have a roof over your head, and cherish the people in your life who matter.
When things seem bleak, and your circumstances feel uncertain, take the time to reflect on the good in the little things. I highly recommend making it a daily practice to write down your feelings and prayers, or even just list five things you are grateful for each day. The simple act of noting our blessings can lead to a shift in our mentality and attitude, ultimately guiding us toward the breakthroughs we are seeking.
choose to respond with grace instead of anger.
Choosing to act with grace and love, instead of anger, will lead to a more positive outcome. One of our greatest tools is the power of words. They can either uplift someone or bring them down. The saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” couldn’t be further from the truth—words can truly cause pain.
Because of this, it’s essential to remember that our words have a lasting impact on our situations, even after apologies have been made. I’ve learned the importance of taking a moment to pause before I speak. Those extra few seconds to consider the effect of my words can be crucial. I always ask myself: Will my words lead to healing, or will they cause more hurt?
Your spouse may have become accustomed to your reactions driven by anger, leading to unaddressed resentments. Imagine how surprised they would be if you chose to respond differently. This change could prompt them to respond to you in a more positive way as well. Poor communication habits in a marriage can be reversed and healed with practice and time.
Consider some time apart.
As a last resort, some situations may require you and your spouse to take time apart. This is especially important if you feel unsafe. If that is the case, it is crucial to remove yourself from the situation and recognize that it is not your fault. Find a safe place and speak to someone who can help you navigate your circumstances. In such cases, deeper issues may need to be addressed, and the best outcome may be to permanently distance yourself from the situation.
In other situations, such as those involving a breach of trust, taking time apart from your spouse may also be beneficial. This time can provide both of you with an opportunity to reflect and allow for healing. Don’t hesitate to give yourself the space you need.
However, time apart should not be taken lightly, and it should be considered a last resort, as you do not want to create further distance between you and your spouse. When necessary and handled properly, time apart can be a valuable tool for achieving true reconciliation in your marriage. The goal should be to foster healing and change negative patterns of behavior, not to establish a new life outside of your marriage. Use this time to focus on personal growth and work on restoring good communication with your spouse.
Marriage can be challenging. It requires a significant amount of work and effort. Love is not merely a feeling; it is a choice that must be made repeatedly, every single day. We need to choose to love the person we have committed to spending our lives with, through both good times and bad. Learning to navigate a rough patch in our marriage and emerging stronger can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding. Trust me, the best is yet to come.
